Nothing new to report today. Hopefully I can make the site pretty later, gah!
I just need to let some things out first, and I feel stupid doing it.
The last couple of years have been really stressful for me. My parents basically kept from my brother and I that my Dad had this mental illness. It was not like it really mattered, because he always been fine with medication. But at one point, about a year and a half ago, his doctor told him he didn't not need to take it anymore. And things spiraled out of control, so to speak. Sometimes I can still see him walking aimlessly through this parking lot, convinced that a spaceship would come and take him away. I won't go into details, but it still scares me.
The direct result was that he had to go to the hospital for a while, but he would come home, things would happen and he'd have to go back. He has been perfectly fine for a long time now, but my Mom will not forgive him for "what he did to her."
His mental illness was never and never will be his fault, but she persistently wrenches his heart out by blaming all of life's misfortunes on his episode.
See, we are in one of those "financial crisises" and the main reason is that my dad was unable to work for such a long period of time. We have to sell my house, but it isn't selling, so in my mother's words, "we're screwed." I know she is only doing it because she is scared, but she blames everything on my dad.
I just don't trust my Mom anymore, and I don't know what to do. I love her, but she's hurt the family continuously and I want her to see everything differently. It's so hard not being able to change other people.
And I hate making my mom out to be the bad guy, because she's an amazing person when she tries to be. She is funny and loving. But my diagnosis is that she doesn't love herself, and it scares me to do say anything to her, because I'm afraid that'll be another reason for her to hate herself.
And I wish the problem was as simple as what I just wrote, because it's not at all. Everything has a backstory I guess.
I don't know why I just typed all that, I guess it is just more than I can handle sometimes. And I'm rather nervous because I want to confront my mother tomorrow about everything.
I just don't want to yell at her, I always end up yelling.
Icon from mata090680.
Agenda Clean Room, Talk and Fax in Enrollment, Finish 1984, Wallpaper Section Start, Add Old Requests, Finish the Silver Chair, Apply to 2 Sites
HANDCRAMP, HANDCRAMP, HANDCRAMP! I just spent around 3 fatuous hours writing out vocabulary... just 10 pages of pure words. My head is spinning with... I don't know, illness? I think I finally memorized the definition of philistine, I just don't understand what it means. Pretty enervating attempt at expanding my immanent lexicon, if you ask me, lol. Don't ask me why I did it, I just felt like it. Surprisingly it wasn't as allaying as I figured it would be from the outset.
I've started 1984, and it is a revering book so far. I really can't fathom how he could create such a... tenebrous world. I wish I could create something so fricken sweet, lol.
Ughhh, and cleaning my room was supposed to be a one hour escapade, but it seems to just get dirtier! It will probably take me this whole weekend. I really need to crack down on it's frowziness. It will acquiesce to me! Mwaha. (:
Okay I will give up on the stupid "big word" thing. I don't think I'm making sense.
Taking a look at my day at this point... I realize I went through the day with manifest boredom.
In other news, Kenzie and I are opening a new guild, Cryptic Castle, tomorrow night! It is sort of a "spin-off" of my old guild Conjurer of Spells. Sadly Erin got busy, so things didn't work out (BY THE WAY ERIN IF YOU READ THIS, EMAIL ME BACK o:)! But the guild will be absolutely amazing, I promise! We tried to be ingenious in attempt to make the guild something different.
I added a coloring tutorial, hope you guys enjoy! Sorry the site is still quite a mess. Hopefully I will have the time to clean it up this weekend. I'll take it one step at a time, my days haven't been insouciant in terms of time.
Icon from mroo-scarket!
Agenda Clean Room, Letter, Fax in Enrollment (Sunday?), Icon and Textures Sections, Review Cryptic Castle Website for completion, Finish 1984
edit I have a new affiliate, Amortentia! Sorry Bri, I was going to add you a while back. xD /edit
I want my porfolio to contain only graphics that I am proud of. Therefore I've decided to hurtle all my lesser works to another corner of the site. This choice will probably plummage my page views, but at least the site looks prettier, mwaha. It is still severely under construction, sorry for the mess!
And actually the more I look at this layout the more I hate it. Maybe if someday I finally get off bootay and make some brushes. The only pretty part about it is the frame and it's a texture.
I also want it to be a sort of journal, compare stuff over the years, if I get that far. It will be a place for me to store books that I've read, goals that I have, stuff that most of you won't be that interested in. But I guess that's how I always wanted my site, just for myself. Hopefully some of you will enjoy my own little world as much as I do. Ahhahaahah?
Screw clothes! Why does it all have to be so expensive? My mom bought me a pretty outfit today though. A pair of jeans, some socks, and a couple t-shirts. I am happy to say I am no longer a pant size zero, but a 3! Woo, Alyssa is growing finally! (: I attempted some pictures of myself in my new clothes, but it didn't work out. Couldn't figure out how to get it off zoom. xD I mean I even tired putting the camera on a chair and scootching back on my butt as fast as I could, but as I said... it didn't work out. So I'll just put up some old pictures and then here's a picture of my new clothes! :)
COMFYCOMFYCOMFY!
Oh and I failed my license test today, I forgot to yield to a fricken truck.
Icon is from mata090680. Her icons are just gorgeous. I wish I could master the bluish goldish coloring she uses. I just watched Amazing Grace for the 2nd time the other day, and all though this icon is from Titanic, I always saw Ioan Gruffudd as the star of the movie. ;)
Dude I need some smilies!
Note to self: listen to more Interpol.
Agenda Clean Room, Fax in Enrollment, Actvities in CC, Coloring Tutorial #1, Letter, Start 1984
